I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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