For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just googled if crying burns calories
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
