he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
