dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
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