you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Randomize
