I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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