you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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