I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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