That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
