I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
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