everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
