I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
