I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
