I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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