I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
