When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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