You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
