if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
there is glitter all over my balls
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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