We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
