wanna go halves on a baby?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
where are you?
Hypothermia
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Randomize
