I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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