Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
