turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
They took my balls.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
