guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
