You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
