I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
