Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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