Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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