meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
