Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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