who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
