I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
