you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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