Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
