I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
