My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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