When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
