PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
