so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
