Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
