What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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