lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
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