Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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