Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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