never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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