its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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