my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
