i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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