I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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