i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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