Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize