Screwed.edu
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
