3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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