Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I think people are normalizing furries
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
