And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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