thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize