you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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