he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I could fuck to npr.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
