East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
