I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
