I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
