this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
