Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
