dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
