I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
