The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
