so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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